


A Tale of Two Butt Cheeks

by chicagoartnerd



Category: Bob's Burgers (Cartoon), Marvel Cinematic Universe RPF
Genre: Butts, Crack Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-27
Updated: 2014-05-27
Packaged: 2018-01-26 17:36:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1696712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chicagoartnerd/pseuds/chicagoartnerd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louise goes into Tina's room to steal her laser pointer and in the process stumbles across her book of famous butts. </p><p>One butt in particular catches her attention.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Tale of Two Butt Cheeks

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea. Like I kind of had to once I thought of it. Basically Tina's obsession with butts and Tumblr's obsession with Chris Evan's butt seemed like a lovely crossover. Louise was caught in the crossfire.

Louise rarely snooped in Tina’s room.

It was a place of terrifying horse posters, cute zombie figurines, and oddly erotic trapper keeper artwork. Something about the way those words were paired with each other was unsettling. She just needed to borrow her laser pointer. Gene and her were going to go squirrel taunting later around sunset and it was a required piece of technology for the task.

She started to cautiously open drawers and peer over the surface of her dresser and desk. All along the desk was a row of black binders full of Tina’s erotic fanfiction/friendfiction, because she had run out of fictional characters to dream about.

Towards the end there was one titled “Famous Butts” and right in between that and one called “Famous Butts in History” was a metal can covered in ponycorn stickers with the laser pointer, some gel pens, and a glitter glue stick poking out of it.

She reached out to grab it and bolt out of the room but her hand missed the pointer and knocked the whole can over. She thought about leaving the spilled mess of pens on the desk because Tina would literally do nothing about her having been in her room. She was lacking conviction and possibly some important vertebrae. Louise sighed longsufferingly and started to pick up the pens. Unfortunately without the can of pens to hold the binders up like a bookend they started to lean precariously and then the last two flopped over onto the desk. The top one flipped open and without thinking Louise read the first couple lines.

_He had the butt of a Greek God even though he was but a mere mortal. Perhaps also the butt of a marble statue of a Greek God. His skin was golden and glistening like that of a radiant horse lathered and dancing in the sunlight. The fiery perfection of his butt was in fine contrast with his smiling and chiseled features. He had the firm booty that will one day launch a thousand ships._

“Oh gross. Who is this even about?”

Louise made a gagging noise and looked away.

Tina had the wrong idea about boys.

You shouldn’t idolize them or their butts. Instead you should make them kneel, grovel in the dirt, and maybe spit on them a bit. But not write beautiful odes to their butts. Well not just to their butts. Maybe beautiful odes to how slappable their faces are. Or how much you want to punch them until they cry. The butt thing could be acceptable too if you planted your foot squarely on it and used it to make them faceplant into the dirt. Yeah that sounded better.

Cautiously she started reading again. Almost like her eyeballs had developed a pre-pubescent mind of their own.

_His cinematic career is not the most engaging but in nearly everything he’s ever been in you get to see him topless or in nothing but a towel. Hats off to “What’s Your Number” for that. I tip my butt bonnet to you for that scene._

_But he has found his true, blessedly tight, spandex-clad calling in doing comic book movies. “The Losers,” “Scott Pilgrim vs The World,” “The Fantastic 4,” “Captain America the First Avenger,” and “The Avengers.” All feature Chris Evan’s mesmerizing backside. The scene in “The Avengers” of him punching a bag, behind rhythmically swaying back and forth, will forever be ingrained in my waking and dreaming consciousness._

_Oh Chris Evan’s and Chris Evan’s behind. You may have a face like sunshine on a cloudy day but you have a butt that would make Satan double take as you sauntered by. You make me wish polyandry was legal because I would marry both of you, the ceremony would be beautiful, me in a white dress with multiple layers of tulle. And both of you would be wearing your Jonny Storm suit from the Fantastic 4, tight and saucy for her amusement. Perhaps we could make it a double wedding as I would also like to marry Anthony Mackie’s butt in “Captain America: The Winter Soldier.”_

It devolved into more lauding of the various cast members of Marvel movies butt's and Louise started to lose interest.

But something about the passages stuck in her brain as she could recall that particular punching bag scene with surprisingly high definition clarity. The thought to bang her head against the hallway wall outside of Tina’s door till the image went away seemed pretty tempting. Louise barely restrained herself from inflicting permanent prefrontal cortex damage, barely.

She wandered out of Tina’s room in a strange daze. Was this what being a teenager felt like?

Louise didn’t like it.

No wonder they all acted like they were possessed by horny rabbits from a dark, Lovecraftian dimension or possibly a gecko with a brain the size of a poppy seed. They jumped back and forth between the two with gusto so she could never tell what she was going to get. It was like the less fun version of four alarm hot sauce/ketchup omelette roulette.  Getting older sucked.

With the laser pointed clutched listlessly in her hand she flopped down on their worn couch. Moments later Gene bounded into the room and proclaimed.

“Mr. One-nut Johanaham and Daisy Dukington just started fighting over a who gets to sit on the highest branch of the maple in the backyard. Or at least I think they’re fighting...”

Louise waved him off while chucking the laser pointer at him. It hit him square in the forehead and he shouted.

“Ah my third eye! Now I’m blind _and_ unenlightened!”

She harumphed.

“Good then you won’t have any moral reservations about using the laser pointer by yourself to make squirrels attack Mort’s toupee the next time he takes the trash bags full corpse gauze outback to the dumpster.”

Gene picked up the laser pointer and clicked it on to point at the ceiling, one leg raised high.

“Louise, I am not your father! But this is a close as we can get to a lightsaber. You sure you don’t want to battle with the rebel Squirrel alliance? What is thy bidding, my master?”

She rolled her eyes.

“Yeah yeah. Go mess with the squirrels but don’t come back until you recruit young Branchwalker. The force is strong in him.”

Gene did a flourishing bow as he ran out of the room towards the back door in the kitchen.

  
“Yes my master!”

When he was gone Louise slumped lower on the couch. This was turning into a full blown sulk which was despicable. She sighed dramatically and flung an arm over her head while flopping down on the couch. It would have been easy to fall asleep but she didn’t, instead she waited till she heard the soft tread of Tina’s sneakers and opened one eye to see her enter the room.

“Hey what are you doing right now?”

Tina seemed surprised and had trouble answering right away.

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhh.”

Louise sat up and jerked her thumb at the TV.

“Well whatever it is it’s not as important as watching _The Avengers_ with your one and only little sister for no apparent reason. Especially not reasons related to Chris Evan’s butt. What would make you think that? Shut up and play the movie already God!”

Tina seemed momentarily stunned but then relaxed into her usual demeanor.

“Sure. I’ll even make popcorn. You can’t have _The Avengers_ without food. Tony Stark’s orders.”

Louise snorted and was about to tell Tina that Tony Stark could stick his fictional orders up his even more fictional butt. Tina’s knowing smile made her clamp her mouth shut begrudgingly.

They watched the movie together, there was popcorn, and Louise didn’t make nearly as many cutting comments or groaning noises of disgust as she had thought she would. All in all it ended better than Gene’s squirrel-related campaign.

Even though she was totally jealous of the wicked scar he was gonna have on his right forearm.

Luckily there was more than one way to horrifically injure yourself in their backyard so she could do that later. Right now it was movie time and the star of this particular feature was Chris Evan’s rock hard butt. For once she agreed with Tina.

This particular butt deserved a sonnet, slap, or _Lifetime_ original movie or two.


End file.
